Social Skills 101: Relieving Anxiety In Social Situations

Posted on December 4, 2007 in Motivation by byronb

Do you feel socially awkward? Shy? Does breaking out of your shell seem hopeless? Fortunately, it’s not. Overcoming social anxiety is aactually a very realistic and achievable goal. Social skills, like any other skill, can be taught and learned.

Here are four of the most fundamntal skills for excelling in any social situation:

Relaxation - This is the first and most important skill to develop in combatting social anxiety, specifically the ability to remain relaxed in a stressful situation or environment. This step is paramount; the anxiety riddled brain cannot function right, certainly not well enough to listen clearly and speak intelligibly. A tense posture is hard to ignore, and if you don’t look comfortable in your own body then the people around you are going to feel discomfot in theirs. A great way to relax in any situation or environment is through simple abdominal breathing - slow, full, and easy. Practicing Yoga is another great way to develop a relaxed state (if you can relax in some of those positions, you can relax anywhere at anytime).

Rapport - Develop a rapport with the other person or peole present. To have or bei in rapport with another person is to share a mutual feeling of relatedness, a sense of understanding each other and of being understood. Rapport is a mostly-unconscoius state, but there are many conscious methods for cultivating it.

Mirroring is subtly emulating another person’s body posture, matching is subtly emulating their movements. From acts as large as sitting when they’re sitting and standing when their standing to acts as small as tilting your head like theirs or holding your hands the same way they do, these minor adjustments to your body language uncosciously make that other person feel more at easy by reflecting back at them, elements of their own manner of being. Likewise reflecting back another person’s vocal demeanor - pitch, volume, tone, cadence - is also a way of putting them (and in turn, you) more at ease.

Listening is crucial to developing a rapport with other people. People want to be heard, and to give another person your undivided attention is the kindest act you can perform. Putting your attention on another person has the added benefit of taking your attention off of yourself. You can’t feel awkward or inhibited when your attention is truy on another person; you can only feel present to them. There are several practical and practice-able methods for conveying to another person that you are listening to them:

a. Subtle vocal cues

b. Nodding

c. Eye contact

d. Referring to something they said/asking relevant questions

e. avoiding talking over them

Talking about yourself is over-rated; listening to others is where it’s at. Ask questions; keep another person talking about themselves, and your time at the given social engagement will fly by.

Sharing - When your time comes to speak - whether it’s in answer to a question or because you simply feel compelled in that moment - speak truthfully and from the heart, but also try your best to keep it succinct (that’s short and sweet).

People’s minds tend to wander (even those with the best of intentions), especially in social settings. Make it easy for another person to remain engaged in conversation with you by making your thoughts relevant and concisely stated. No one likes to hear someone rambling endlessly.

Let there be a back and forth exchange of thoughts and ideas between you. Engaging in the flow of conversation is something you let happen, something you allow.

Notice we didn’t label this section “Speaking”; we did that intentionally as Speaking is one-way interaction and Sharing, by definition, requires an Other. Conversation - all social interaction for that matter, require more than one person; otherwise it’s a monologue.